Introduction: When Holding On Is Hurting You
Being wronged is not an abstract idea, it is a real wound.
For some of us it has a name, a date, a face, and a memory we cannot seem to shake.
If we are honest, our natural response is not grace, it is a grudge. We know what the Bible says about forgiving others, we know what we have heard in church, but knowing we should forgive and actually forgiving are two very different things.
I have to confess, forgiving others has been one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. It does not come natural to me. I have been much better at holding on than letting go. Much better at rehearsing the slight and reliving the wrong. Much better at allowing the wound to fester than allowing the Spirit to heal.
And I do not believe I am alone.
Maybe they shared your secret.
Maybe they put their hands on you and never apologized.
Maybe they still owe you money and act as if nothing happened.
So you feel justified in not forgiving. You feel entitled to the grudge. But while you are holding on to it, the weight of it is holding on to you. The hurt starts to shape how you think, how you trust, how you love. Before you know it, you are not just remembering the offense, you are being held hostage by it.
Look, what if our understanding of forgiveness has been too shallow?
What if forgiveness is not the crushing burden we think it is, but the very key God uses to set us free?
Let me offer three surprising truths about forgiveness that can help us begin to release what we have been carrying and step into the freedom God desires for us.
1. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision.
One of the main reasons we stay stuck is because we keep waiting to feel forgiving before we forgive. We think one day we will wake up, feel a warm rush of mercy, and the anger will simply evaporate.
That is not how forgiveness works.
Forgiveness is not a mood. Forgiveness is not a wave of emotion. Forgiveness is a choice.
To forgive literally means to release, to send away, to let it go. It means, “I have a right to get even. I have a right to stay angry. I have a right to replay what you did over and over in my mind. But I am choosing to surrender that right. I am choosing not to let this offense define me or dominate me any longer.”
That is not pretending it did not hurt. That is not saying what they did was right. It is saying, “I refuse to let what you did control who I become.”
That is why Dr. King could say,
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, forgiveness is a constant attitude.”
It is an act of spiritual integrity. We cannot sing, “Lord, I want to be more loving in my heart” and then hold on to every wound that comes our way. If we are going to pray, “Lord, make me more forgiving,” at some point we have to participate in the very thing we are asking God to do.
So no, you may not feel like forgiving. Forgiveness starts when, by faith, you decide to.
It is time to let it go.
2. Forgiveness is not just a gift for them, it is a gift for you.
Most of us have been taught to think of forgiveness as something we do for the other person. Almost like we are handing out a spiritual coupon: “You hurt me, but I am going to be the bigger person and let you off the hook.”
No wonder we struggle with it.
The surprising truth is this: the first person forgiveness sets free is not the one who hurt you, it is the one who was hurt.
When you refuse to forgive, you stay chained to the person and the moment that damaged you. Your mind keeps going back to that scene. Your emotions keep reliving that pain. Your spirit keeps circling the same drain.
Every time you replay it, the wound reopens.
At some point, you are no longer just the victim of what they did, you have become a partner in your own suffering, because you keep agreeing to relive it.
That is why in the sermon I said, “It is time to let it go so the hurt stops holding you hostage.”
Forgiveness is not ignoring the hurt, it is cutting the ropes that keep you tied to it.
When we forgive, we are saying, “I will not stay stuck at the scene of the crime. I will not live the rest of my life from the lowest moment of my life. By God’s grace, I am moving beyond that place where I was initially hurt.”
Without forgiveness, the wound festers and we grow bitter rather than better. With forgiveness, the Holy Spirit can begin to touch that wound, cleanse that memory, and create space for healing.
Hear this: forgiving does not mean you have to be reconciled with everyone. It does not mean you become a doormat or deny injustice. It means you refuse to let the offense own your future.
Beloved, forgiving is not just about them, it really is about you. It is about your peace. Your freedom. Your healing.
It is time to let it go.
3. The standard for forgiveness is not their worthiness, it is God’s grace.
Here is the deepest truth of all. We do not forgive because the other person deserves it. We forgive because God forgave us.
The word for “forgive” in Scripture is tied to the word for “grace.” Forgiveness is grace in action. It is unearned favor extended toward someone who cannot pay you back.
Paul says, “Forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Colossians 3:13). That is strong. He does not say, “Forgive the people who apologized the right way.” He does not say, “Forgive the ones who seem sincere.” He says, “Forgive anyone.”
That feels impossible until we remember how God has dealt with us.
Think about the times God has forgiven you.
When you were not worthy, God forgave you.
When you kept repeating the same sin, God kept offering the same mercy.
When you were running from God, God was still reaching for you.
C. S. Lewis put it this way,
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable in others because God has forgiven the inexcusable in us.”
That does not mean what they did was excusable. It means we choose to look at them through the same lens of grace God used with us. The same cross that covers our sin calls us to forgive theirs.
This is not cheap grace. It is costly obedience. It is us saying, “Lord, because you did not hold my record over my head, I will not hold theirs over theirs. Because you met me with mercy, I will meet them with grace.”
When we do that, we are not saying, “I trust them.” We are saying, “I trust God.” I trust God to handle justice. I trust God to heal my heart. I trust God enough to release this offense into His hands.
It is time to let it go.
Conclusion: Stepping Into The Freedom God Wants For You
When you begin to see forgiveness this way, it stops feeling like a spiritual chore and starts looking like a doorway to freedom.
Forgiveness is not a feeling you have to wait on, it is a decision you can make.
Forgiveness is not just a gift you grant to others, it is a gift God is trying to give to you.
Forgiveness is not based on how worthy they are, it is rooted in how gracious God has been.
So let me ask you a simple but searching question:
If holding on to the grudge is quietly holding you hostage, what hurt are you willing to bring to God today and finally let go, so you can walk in the freedom Christ died for you to have?
It is time to let it go.
Paul D. Flowers, Sr. 